late nights, bright lights

In an astounding regression this afternoon, I dug out a deck of cards and shuffled them for an hour. Just the repetitive action was enough to help clear my mind and settle my nerves. Before I quite realized it, I was laying them out in a familiar pattern.

Quite an interesting read, I'd say, with plenty more information for me to consider now. I haven't read my own cards in years. It felt weird, but very familiar. Like old friends you haven't spoken to in years come to visit. Maybe you remember why you didn't invite them to any parties in the last few months.

If anyone on my flist actually does divining with cards, do you feel a little uneasy after a strong reading? Like maybe fate is pushing you a little too hard? Alternately, do you ever feel like you read too far in? Like you're grasping for the answers you lack?

*sigh* Looks like another awake night for me tonight.

sad
miserable, depressed, melancholy, let down, dejected, fed up, woe begotten, disconsolate, sober, grave, heartbroken, sorrowful, gloomy, blue, dispirited, funereal, pitiful, forlorn, unhappy, plaintive, regretful.

also, fucking mad.

I just got out of a serious romantic relationship, and therefore, for smartness reasons, I have decided I most obviously do not want to rush into another one, or any relationship where feelings will end up getting hurt. Because, you know, I need emotional healing time (I needs it) and whatnot.

Unfortunately, I am an ass. My mind is made up - no relationships*. I don't want the stress and shit. Well, my body had (has? I don't even know anymore...) other ideas. Sweaty, physical ideas. Bad move, body-dude, bad move indeed. Even worse timing though.

So now I'm in a relationship* with this other person. Okay, fine. Whatever. But things are... thinging away, as things are wont to do. I need to stop them, right? Not just slow them up- stop 'em in their thingy little tracks. Because the Mind already made up it's...self: "no more relationships."

Easier said than done. People, unfortunately, come with no device manuals. I don't know how to walk and chew gum same time, I don't even have the manners to go out in public without supervision, how am I supposed to be able to know how to be in a relationship*?

I just frickin' give up. I'll switch to hermitage. Focus on attaining inner peace and junk. See y'all when I come out of my cave to show off my beard in 45 years.

*relationships = things I have with other people. Even if it's not a 'romantic relationship', it's still a relationship. And therefore an interaction with another person (which I should not be allowed to have anymore).

People don't believe me- they never believe me- when I tell them I know things. Sometimes, I just know. I get 'feelings'. When I tell you your energy freaks me out, I mean it. I'm not talking crazy. I can legitimately sense things some times. Especially when it comes to reading people. I might not always be able to vocalize what I'm feeling, but I'm usually pretty correct in saying 'I don't like so-and-so' or the like.

So when I say something like 'he's not right for you, you're not right for him, this is going to end badly and I'll feel guilty for not doing anything' I fucking mean it. I just know. Call it a premonition. Call it me being crazy, but there is something distinctly wrong here. I've been right about it in the past.

More than once.

More than five times, actually.

I was right about Jarrett, wasn't I? Suddenly the truth comes out and I'm not looking like such a spiteful bitch anymore, am I? I've been right about Jessica more times than I could count. Right about Sarah and Aric, right about Sarah and Brendan, right about the creepy mushroom soup guy (remember him?)...

Heh. And I knew something bad was going to happen on Friday. It did. I was half day early with it, but the feeling was right. I was right about Grandma, I was right about Ziggy, I was right about the snow, and Adam and astronomy and god fucking dammit, I was right about Kyle. I don't want to go through that again, you know?

I might not always be one hundred percent correct, but I am never wrong.

I can tell, you know, when things like this happen. I didn't just start feeling crappy all of the sudden. Gee, I wonder what precipitated that...

So I'm feeling pretty down right now. Physically and emotionally. Thanks guys. Thanks a bunch.