late nights, bright lights

So. My life is a swirling vortex of suck right now.

No. I mean. It could be worse and I'm probably just whiny? But also, it sucks.

My hip hurts. A lot. All the time.

My grandfather, one of my favourite people of all time ever anywhere, has been in the hospital with a broken hip since 6th June. He was ~officially~ released from the rehab place on 29th August (long story, but he was going to stay an extra 2 weeks or so until we finished upgrading his apartment so he could stay there with grandma without too much difficulty). Except then on the evening of the 29th (incidentally, my grandmother's 80th birthday), he had what we thought at the time was a major stroke.

Rushed to hospital from rehab centre, my grandmother, mother, step-father, aunt and one cousin were there when mother sent her bff to come pick me up from my work mid-shift to go to emergency room to be there when grandpa died. Because that's what we were pretty sure was about to happen.

We said our goodbyes, he said his -- two words at a time in barely a whisper -- and then the night nurse was a vicious dillhole fuckface assclown pissbutt and kicked us out. Yeah, so. We don't like that nurse. At all. Grandpa was not stable, we had absolutely no guarantees he would make it til morning (and the doctors were pretty sure he wouldn't), he (grandpa) was begging us not to leave him, and he (nurse) made us all leave. :|

Well, grandpa didn't die overnight, the doctors reordered the MRI in the morning that they had ordered, then figured, 'actually no he probably won't live that long' and then cancelled the night before, and lo and behold, it wasn't a stroke.

We have no idea what it was. No one does.

Grandpa is stable, but in borderline poor/grave condition, STILL does not have a bed 116 hours after being admitted, and is still on a stretcher in the ER.

Which, you know, would make for a terrible fucking weekend for everyone involved, especially grandpa.

EXCEPT.

Remember how it was my grandmother's 80th birthday? Yeah, we planned a huge party. Family from all the fuck over coming in. Once we figured out we'd have a little lead time to prepare and get to the ER if grandpa did decide to die on us, he demanded that we have the party anyway.

Since we're the ones who live in town, my mother kind of spearheaded the event on Sunday. And the event on Saturday. And the second event on Saturday. And and and and.

I have not stopped moving since I went to work on Thursday. There are people everywhere. Talking. Loudly. Because that's what my family does. Everyone's leaving today, so people stopping by since 6am to say bye.

Uncle and cousin who were staying here (no one usually stays here, we have too many dogs, but there was no where else to put people) just left. Mother and stepfather have gone to buy a GPS. I am alone (with said too many dogs). There is the ringing in my ears that I can only associate with my family. Even the dogs at the kennel make less headache afterwards.

Going to see Grandpa today -- mama and I didn't go this weekend since so many other people were visiting and we've already pissed the hospital off plus Grandpa gets worn out so fast. And then I'm going to paint my nails, and then I'm going to sleep forever...

Or until I have to go in to work early tomorrow. :\

Oh. Hey. My last journal entry was my 1,500th on this LJ. Go me.

Hello everyone. Let's talk about a thing.

So pets die, right? I deal with that a lot on account of I work at a vet clinic. PS, I don't think I'm building up to a certain point, I just need to pour out some words, so. Don't expect some sweeping, majestic summation of human existence at the end here.

There's a lot of different reasons as to why someone would have to get a pet put to sleep (PTS), but if the reason is bogus, my vets will send the person away with a live pet. They don't fuck around and take "well I just don't want it anymore" as an excuse. Reason number five hundred and sixteen that I love my job, right.

The vast, overwhelming majority of pets that are PTS at our clinic are PTS because they are very old and their bodies are shutting down on them. That's... a pretty damn good way to go, it turns out. Better than the ones we see that are young and suddenly horribly ill or injured. We get those sometimes, but it's far less regular.

My first PTS at this clinic (and my first working in the field, not a PTS that was one of my pets) was an old, sick cat who had had a great run and needed a little mercy. I was fine with this. The owner cried a little, thanked us profusely, and left with her equally crying toddler. It happened, I went "aw, that's too bad, poor family," and went about my business.

The second PTS was an ancient sheltie with an equally ancient man for an owner. He'd known this day was coming and was just so... At peace with it. We dragged a chair into the exam room so he could sit with her (we don't have chairs in there normally on account of very small exam rooms) and his adult daughter was with him. She was sobbing, he was just sitting quietly with his hand on the dog's paw. The daughter had to leave the room, asked if I would stand with him. I did, because how do you say no to a sobbing lady and a 5000 year old man who are asking for something so simple? You don't, that's how. I felt sad after this, but the old man hugged and thanked me when we took the dog's body away and I went on with my day.

(The aforementioned old cat's owner came by a few days later with a fruit basket. That happened. Blew my goddamn mind.)

I didn't know either of these families or their pets, this being my 1st/2nd week at the clinic, but I knew their pain and it made me frown and go "awww, bad day for them, I feel empathetic towards this situation, &c." This was also right around the time I had to put Casey to sleep.

We had a couple more, I don't really remember. A relatively young dog with pancreatitis that had been in every day for about 15 in a row for rechecks, fluid therapy, etc. had to be PTS in my first amount of time at the hospital. I knew the owners a little better (really nice old married couple) and I knew the dog. She was a real sweetie. They thanked us too, the whole team, and gave the vet who did the euth a hug and dropped off a card when they came back to pick up the dog's ashes.

But then Nash. Nash was a dog I had never met before who belonged with a family I'd never before. He was old and very sick and he had a peaceful death. And fuck did I ever cry. I got myself together relatively quickly, but in the 10 minutes I was crying, I was fucking sobbing.

There have been about 4 now that have had me in honest to god tears. And a few more past that were I've welled up a little, or had a Dean Winchester style "single manly tear." But I mean, the majority of them are "oh gosh, that poor cat/dog/hamster/family." There's a few more coming up, that we know are on the horizon that I know I'll cry over (including one for Sasha that's going to have me in tears for an hour, I guarantee it. Tonight or tomorrow. Very anxious about going to work soon :/), and a few more that I'll just be thankful have finally happened (again, Sasha. Ugh, poor creature).

On Friday, we had to euth a large Maine Coon (like McLovin and Casey...). The owner was a bedridden 89 year old woman and the cat came in with her daughter and HER daughter (so, daughter and grand-daughter to cat's owner, referred to henceforth as "lady" and "daughter" because I never met the actualfax owner). The cat was sick (suddenly, acutely, in a 8 year old cat, so still relatively young, though maybe closer to geriatric from a Maine Coon stance). Very sick. We did rads and a basic CBC to comfirm. Yes, the cat was very sick, Yes, the best thing we can do for the kitty now is have it PTS. So that's what the lady and her daughter did. They called the owner and she said goodbye over speakerphone in the exam room, then they paid the bill and left. They couldn't stay while it happened.

Some people find it really difficult to stay for any of it, and some people don't even want the pet to be taken to the treatment room to have the catheter put in because any time away from the pet is horrible for them to conceive (putting in an IV cath makes it way easier and less painful to put the euthynol in, less messy, less scary, less stressful. We put a cath in in the back, bring the pet back to the family and the vet gives them however much time they need before coming back in and doing the euth). I'm totally non-judgey of whatever someone chooses to do. I stay through every second of McLovin's euth last April and patted his stupid cat head. I was there for all of Casey's, but I could barely look at him, let alone touch him. Grief does weird things to us, every time.

They left, me and the tech stayed with the cat while the vet put the needle. It was good, tbh, that they left. The cat needed way more of the drug than we thought it would, had to IC after initial sedation. It was pretty bad to watch (but he didn't feel it, don't worry). I cried a little because it made me think of my stupid Maine Coons who decided both to die last year.

I'm covered in cat fur and dried tears now, it's 30 minutes after we close and we've been slammed all day, so I'm sweating like a cow. I've stripped off my scrub top, so I'm in my ratty old kennel tank and am washing blood from a very-enthusiastically-in-heat dog off the walls in the big exam room when someone starts rattling the front door. I am pissed, and exhausted (after being there 30 minutes late on top of my 13 hour shift already and it's been a goddamn long day).

It's the cat's people. The lady and her daughter. They brought us cupcakes.

So. I cried a little over the cat. I fucking sobbed over the cupcakes. Grief does weird things to people.

This has been a lot of thoughts about dead pets. I have to vent them out periodically so I don't explode.

Also, never give your dog his/her medication mixed with chocolate milk, that just makes you a fucking idiot.

GOOD NEWS!

Mama is coming home soon and bringing me Wendy's. :)

BAD NEWS!

Blood work on Caseycat came back this morning and it's not diabetes like we were hoping, it's end stage kidney failure, which means we're going to have him put down this weekend. The vet even said with the right meds and food combo, we could maaaaybe get 'til mid-January. It's just more humane to let him go before he starts to vomit blood.

GOOD NEWS!

I got the clinic job, I start Friday.

So, you know, extremely up and down day -- all of this happening while I was at the pet store (apparently the manager, says the other girls, does not like her employees having multiple jobs, so it remains to be seen if I'll be able to work both). I'm going to eat my Wendy's when Mama gets home and then ptfo. :)

Oh my god, I get it, I'm not as smart as you, jfc, leave me alone about it and stop insisting on bringing it up how is it news anymore, I know I'm an idiot mission accomplished, I am doooooone.

I think I am about 70% over my plague death? I really fucking hope so, anyway. Yesterday I walked to the library and back and by the time I got home, I pretty much wanted to die entirely. Today though, I loaded the dishwasher without quitting life, so that's something. Baby steps. Still dizzy as butts every time I move too quickly, and still coughing like a demon constantly.

Also tired. Suuuuuper tired. Just started new anti-depressants and I was told that could make me tired. But like. I'm really tired and I could probably sleep right now? It feels weird. I'm usually exhausted but the insomnia keeps me awake for days at a time. Is that normal, does anyone know if severe sleepfacedness is a side effect of starting anti-depressants?

I watched all of Suits while I was bed ridden. Pretty decent. Gina Torres is flaw-free, so that's the big draw there, I think. Think I'm going to try Arrow? I hear not knowing a shred of backstory is actually helpful. Wah. After I finish Gilmore Girls.

ALSO I finally picked a fandom/idea for apocalypsebang, so I'm writing my tail off for that. Maybe it will end up being my only Nanowrimo project and it will be 50k long and I'll be one of those people. lolnope.

Wincon was a thing!

Wincon was a great thing. I am very excited for next year. I will not get grabbed by a crackhead in a 7/11 next year. Next year, we will go to Vegas :D Next year, lavendergaia and road_rhythm are coming and it will be awesome.

Travelling with lavishsqualor was the best idea I ever made, I would not have been able to go without her <3 Everyone I met was amazing, I am just so glad to have gone. And you know, happy to be home. Fuck, it was hot in Texas :P

I have a lot of thoughts about airports, and also about the nature of transformative works and fandom, but I'm too tired to type them all up. Maybe when I've slept off some of the excitement.

<33

I have set up crossposting between my Livejournal and Dreamwidth accounts and this is just me testing it out.

It's not like I post all that often these days, though I'll be making an effort to post more.

Feel free to drop your DW names in the comments if you want me to add you there. :)

Was going to do a link-spam of every thing I've written this year, but I decided that... No, I won't do that :D

Here's just a quick breakdown:

Total words written+posted: 104,000 (give or take a couple. I tend to round to the nearest 10)
Number of fics posted: 18
Fandoms Represented: 2 (def going to try to write some more next year)
Big Bangs Posted: 4
Total words written+posted for big bangs: 89,900 (I am in loooooove with big bangs. ALL THE BIG BANGS)
Total # of fics written for porn comment memes & # of words: 8&5,550


And though it makes me a little queasy, here's a link to the thing I wrote that I like the best. I wavered; there's 2 that I like, but this one wins on account of banter. Also, it's shorter, so anyone who wants to read it will be tortured a little less.

The Secret Waiter Job, written for AU Big Bang. Leverage Restaurant AU, Eliot/Hardison, warnings for strong language, lots of knives, and spanking. 23k, rated R.

Leverage is the hot, exciting place on the restaurant scene these days, thanks to its hot, exciting executive chef, Eliot Spencer. New hire Alec Hardison is a mild mannered, smooth talking waiter by night and a double-life-living, top secret culinary school student by day. Together, they'll cook up some sizzling dishes... both in and out of the kitchen.


So basically, if it's not a big bang or Porn Battle, I won't write it. >.< Going to expand my ficcing horizons in 2012. More fandoms, more writing for fun and pleasure, more WORDS. Yes, I signed up to "get my words out". We'll see how that goes. :D

I had a lovely Christmas, hope any/all of you who celebrate it had a nice one too.

I got a cuddly sweater and some sweet nail polish, then I groomed some dogs and slept on the floor in a pile of pets. Just the usual, you know.

Now I'm doing absolutely nothing. Seriously. nothing. The tv is on, but I'm barely watching. It's nice to have legit nothing to have to do. I'm going back north to work and school again tomorrow night, so I'm going to enjoy my last 24 hours of NOTHING AT ALL.

Hope all is well.

Hey guess what, I hate the new LJ releases re: comments. But I'm guessing y'all already knew that. tbh, I'm still unhappy with the "crosspost to FB and Twitter" options. -.-

I had to deal with a stack of student loans paperwork this morning. Now I am made of grumpy feelings.

OH and if that wasn't enough, I've been having about a solid week of those "I am legitimately the most unattractive beast to have ever clumsily roamed the earth" feelings. Seriously, could I be any more repulsive as a human? But instead of feeling fat and ugly and bloated and like I have bad skin and gross teeth, I now ALSO have a cold sore. Because stress is sexy, don'tcha know.

And I fucking hate the sound of my own voice. More than I hate the new way we're supposed to pick icons for comments now, which is saying a lot.

And I hate my new glasses, too. So much for be stoked for them at the shop. They're awful and I look super dumb.

SELF ESTEEM WAS SUPPOSED TO BE FOR EVERYONE. Clearly I was wrong on that one.

PS, Hobbit trailer blew my mind. Glad my browser doesn't try to correct "hobbit." It knows the score :D