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Mar. 27th, 2008 12:33 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
unavoidedcrisis
Hey. I need to rant/flail/swear my head off/be horribly mean. Don't say I didn't warn you.
GAHHHHHHHHHHH.
I want to strangle a bitch. I don't care which one, but one of them. At least. Maybe more. I was having a fairly less than normally shitty day today. I had some job interviews and I even got hired at one of them.
Yes. After how many months of unemployment I got a fairly decent job at a fairly nice store. Yay fucking retail. Whatever, I'll live. Lookit me, I fucking made it through. I lived through the depression, the angry, the betrayal and the lies that made up my last six months after getting "fired" from a job without reason, notice, or any honesty from the people I was working with/for.
Fuck them.
I made it, despite the best efforts to crush my poor, wounded soul. As if there wasn't enough shit in my llife I had to deal with- no. I got fired from the best job I had ever had. Not to mention I was doing my best work for them, working my ass off for them and taking shifts left right and center to cover everyone else's ass.
I'm not worthless, I am, in fact, a fucking class-act, model-A employee. I might be lazy and creeptacular in my home life, but when I have a job, I fucking do it right. I learned the value of money the hard way, and I've learned a thing or two about good customer service, and I know how to a fucking job.
And I think I know a thing or two aabout being a nice person too. All is fair in love and war? Yeah, well then be fucking fair in the workplace. Yes darling, keep dreaming, right?
Speaking of dreaming: God.
Fuck God.
No, I take it back. God is pretty solid top left. In fact, I'd would go so far as to call God 'pretty damn boss'. It's all the people who like God. They're the ones who should go kill themselves.
I had a dream last night. I remembered something an ex-boyfriend's father told me once (and people who know me a little will know I only ever had ONE ex...). He told me how the apocalypse was upon us because of all the blacks and middle easterners in the city these days. Because they bring disease. Yes. The most religious (Christian) people I have ever met, and this is what the believed. For srsly. And this was in the first month we were dating! I dated him for more than six months!
I actually dated a guy who believed in rapture, who cried the first time we made out because he 'just knew' that he'd be going to hell, and how only believed the world was twenty-five years old. What the fuck? Believe in Creation and all that, sure (I don't, as it is exactly written in Genesis), but the belief that people are actually going to float into the sky by the power of Christ...?
He changed water into wine and healed lepers. HE DIDN'T HAVE TELEKINESIS. Unless Jesus flies a jumbo jet nowadays, you ain't getting any higher off the ground than you can jump.
Some guy accosted me in the Sobey's a few night ago. He told me that Jesus and the Lord could save my immoral soul if I just believed in them. I told him I was pretty sure the Bible says that really, God and JC are the same being. I asked if he was Catholic. He said yes. I said that one of the major tenets of the Catholic Church was the belief in the Holy Trinity. He said yes indeed I was right (like I needed reassurance of that) and asked me if I wanted a pamphlet. I said no, I already believe in God and that She's pretty rockin'. He told me I was going to hell for saying that.
I asked him if he was sure, and would he like to come with me?
...He said no.
Like for real here guy, I'm shopping for juice. Leave me the fuck be. How do you know I'm immoral anyways? I wasn't even buying condoms, or birth control pills, or wire coat hangers. I had cat food and grape juice!
Fuck that.
Some guy whistled at me from his car while I was out for a walk tonight. Remind me never to leave the homestead again without my bear mace.
My life feels fake. This isn't what I thought I wanted, this isn't where I expected to be, it isn't right that all my dreams were wrong.
Speaking of dreams (for the second time): The anti-anxiety medication I'm on gives me true dreams or at least really vivid ones that feel real and true. I also sleep with amethyst in my pillow, so that might have something to do with it.
Last night, Kyle came. He said that he has been watching me, even though I've been a neglectful bitch to him lately. He said it looks like I'm falling, spiralling down into a pit, a hole. He told me to watch out for fake friends and real enemies. He said to watch out for black birds.
...
Yeah. So just typing that made me cry. It hurts more now than it ever did. I miss him so much. This is a part in my life where I need a shoulder to lean on, to cry on. And yeah, I have a few around here somewhere, but talking with Kyle was always (is always) different. He was/is the best listener, the best advice giver and the best at snapping me out of my funks. It's quite possible that he was my 'soul mate'. Does that sound ridiculous?
Fuck. I can't decide between anger, rage, bitterness and tears at this point.
I need a rest from emotions.
GAHHHHHHHHHHH.
I want to strangle a bitch. I don't care which one, but one of them. At least. Maybe more. I was having a fairly less than normally shitty day today. I had some job interviews and I even got hired at one of them.
Yes. After how many months of unemployment I got a fairly decent job at a fairly nice store. Yay fucking retail. Whatever, I'll live. Lookit me, I fucking made it through. I lived through the depression, the angry, the betrayal and the lies that made up my last six months after getting "fired" from a job without reason, notice, or any honesty from the people I was working with/for.
Fuck them.
I made it, despite the best efforts to crush my poor, wounded soul. As if there wasn't enough shit in my llife I had to deal with- no. I got fired from the best job I had ever had. Not to mention I was doing my best work for them, working my ass off for them and taking shifts left right and center to cover everyone else's ass.
I'm not worthless, I am, in fact, a fucking class-act, model-A employee. I might be lazy and creeptacular in my home life, but when I have a job, I fucking do it right. I learned the value of money the hard way, and I've learned a thing or two about good customer service, and I know how to a fucking job.
And I think I know a thing or two aabout being a nice person too. All is fair in love and war? Yeah, well then be fucking fair in the workplace. Yes darling, keep dreaming, right?
Speaking of dreaming: God.
Fuck God.
No, I take it back. God is pretty solid top left. In fact, I'd would go so far as to call God 'pretty damn boss'. It's all the people who like God. They're the ones who should go kill themselves.
I had a dream last night. I remembered something an ex-boyfriend's father told me once (and people who know me a little will know I only ever had ONE ex...). He told me how the apocalypse was upon us because of all the blacks and middle easterners in the city these days. Because they bring disease. Yes. The most religious (Christian) people I have ever met, and this is what the believed. For srsly. And this was in the first month we were dating! I dated him for more than six months!
I actually dated a guy who believed in rapture, who cried the first time we made out because he 'just knew' that he'd be going to hell, and how only believed the world was twenty-five years old. What the fuck? Believe in Creation and all that, sure (I don't, as it is exactly written in Genesis), but the belief that people are actually going to float into the sky by the power of Christ...?
He changed water into wine and healed lepers. HE DIDN'T HAVE TELEKINESIS. Unless Jesus flies a jumbo jet nowadays, you ain't getting any higher off the ground than you can jump.
Some guy accosted me in the Sobey's a few night ago. He told me that Jesus and the Lord could save my immoral soul if I just believed in them. I told him I was pretty sure the Bible says that really, God and JC are the same being. I asked if he was Catholic. He said yes. I said that one of the major tenets of the Catholic Church was the belief in the Holy Trinity. He said yes indeed I was right (like I needed reassurance of that) and asked me if I wanted a pamphlet. I said no, I already believe in God and that She's pretty rockin'. He told me I was going to hell for saying that.
I asked him if he was sure, and would he like to come with me?
...He said no.
Like for real here guy, I'm shopping for juice. Leave me the fuck be. How do you know I'm immoral anyways? I wasn't even buying condoms, or birth control pills, or wire coat hangers. I had cat food and grape juice!
Fuck that.
Some guy whistled at me from his car while I was out for a walk tonight. Remind me never to leave the homestead again without my bear mace.
My life feels fake. This isn't what I thought I wanted, this isn't where I expected to be, it isn't right that all my dreams were wrong.
Speaking of dreams (for the second time): The anti-anxiety medication I'm on gives me true dreams or at least really vivid ones that feel real and true. I also sleep with amethyst in my pillow, so that might have something to do with it.
Last night, Kyle came. He said that he has been watching me, even though I've been a neglectful bitch to him lately. He said it looks like I'm falling, spiralling down into a pit, a hole. He told me to watch out for fake friends and real enemies. He said to watch out for black birds.
...
Yeah. So just typing that made me cry. It hurts more now than it ever did. I miss him so much. This is a part in my life where I need a shoulder to lean on, to cry on. And yeah, I have a few around here somewhere, but talking with Kyle was always (is always) different. He was/is the best listener, the best advice giver and the best at snapping me out of my funks. It's quite possible that he was my 'soul mate'. Does that sound ridiculous?
Fuck. I can't decide between anger, rage, bitterness and tears at this point.
I need a rest from emotions.